Hyde.

Dear Sirs,

I am not one to make an unsanctioned fuss however this situation allows me that license.

My dear Auntie Jeannie from Old Meldrum out of Aberdeen had written to express her desire to come to Canada to see her wayward kin, she wanted to make the pilgrimage before the issue of depleting funds and the increase of gravity held her back, Auntie likes her Dundee cake.

To put on a good show I spent a good deal of time applying spit and polish to our meagre assets along with making sure we had a newly painted and sturdy bed for the old girl.

Gave the elderly chariot a make-over inside and out also, thought we were finished with that lipstick when your ad caught my eye, “Genuine Nauga” seat covers.

The ad went on read, “The Nauga annually sheds its skin and we take advantage of its yearly disrobing to bring you the finest seat covers possible”.

The selection of your product was based on the idea that we would not be contributing to the slaughter of defenceless animals in the aid of fashion, but reusing discarded goods, so we splurged and fitted “Black Magic” front and back, not a bad price I might add.

Took some time to figure out the instructions though, created a bit of  toil and strife between the other half and yours truly.

The day of Auntie’s arrival was a hot one, not a cloud in the sky. Just as well, if it had rained my wax job on the buggy would have been in vain.

At the airport you can get a parking stall right next to the front entry for about the price of a new suit.

With our budget on life support, driving by the spray painted sign indicating “Park and Ride Cheap”  had a nice ring to it, ten dollars a day including transport to and from the main terminal, you gotta love free enterprise.

The open field bothered me a bit with all the dust and corn stubble but not as much the new suit thing.

I drove real slow so not to stir up any extra dust what with the new wax job. By the time I got to the roped off area the attendant was already dusting himself off and strolling in our direction.

“Gonna be a hot one eh”.

Sure looks like it.

“You want to park”?

Seemed like an odd question to me, but looking around and not seeing another car in sight perhaps there was some logic to it.

Is this the ten dollar a day park and ride?

Yep just put her over there, the next shuttle will be leaving in a few minutes.

Locked it up and stood by this fellow waiting for our ride, he just stood there chewing on something large and black.

The sweat was starting to prick at the back of my neck so I asked, when do you think the shuttle will be coming?

He looked at me with a some what of a startled expression, spat out a great wad of what I hoped was tobacco juice leaving part of it on his stubbed chin, and said “Gotta wait for a few more clientèles”.

I looked at my watch, well we have a flight arriving in half an hour, pulling at my collar as I said so.   

“Charge more for executive service”.

Say what?

Yep with the cost of fuel and such things another five bucks for one-party rides.

With the sweat now reaching the small of my back I handed him a fiver.

After he tucked it into his bib overalls, an ear splitting whistle, followed by “Hank bring the shuttle round, got a real one”!

Off in the distance we could hear a rumbling followed by a great cloud of dust. When it got along side and the dust had settled enough we got a look at the affair.

A hay wagon with two benches nailed down one side pulled by an wheezing and rusted farm tractor, with an odd looking youngster at the controls. Hank looked like the unfortunate result of generations of inbreeding, one eye seemed to turn outward on its own accord and his teeth had developed to the point where he could eat an apple through a picket fence.

The most concerning visual item, however, was that one side of his head was completely flat, caused by either his father trying to get his attention with a shovel or some genetic malfunction.

“Take these ones to the big plane place” said Hank’s Dad.

Hank looked pretty excited about getting off the property and started to rev up the the tractor. His old man took a hay bail off the back of the wagon, placed it alongside for a step, and with pride called, “All aboard”!

The wife was pulling at my shirt tail but with time and money running short I coaxed her onto one of the benches.

“Would have nailed some seat belts on her but with it being a farm vehicle an all we don’t need ’em”.

“Hank’s been practising his driving a bunch, so he shouldn’t hit anything, this time anyway, see ya all later”.

About a quarter mile from the main terminal Hank pulled a U turn, stopped, pointed and grunted, “big planes”!

Go on said I.

 Hank gave me a vacant stare and grunted “Me no go no more”.  

Looking at the mess he was driving I could understand that his shuttle privileges at the airport had probably been revoked, I motioned to the other half to climb off then went back to my correspondence with Hank.

By this time he had inserted his forefinger up to its second knuckle into one of his nostrils. Hoping to obtain some degree of attention I started waving at his one good eye.

When he pulled his finger out and  examined its clinging attachment with a joyful expression I knew I had lost him.

Found a piece of paper and a bit of baling string, wrote Send him back at 1:00,  placed it around his neck pointed towards the dust bowl and shouted, food-home!

As time ran out we jogged to the arrival area, with a couple of minutes to spare we scraped off some of the dust caked onto our face and hands.

Auntie’s plane had arrived and the first people off were now clearing customs. It had been a number of years since I had been back to Old Meldrum so it was a bit of a shock when I saw Jeannie huffing towards us.

About four foot two in height and four foot two in width, it was a marvel how she got into the plane, let alone a seat.

She looked stressed and did not recognize me at first, so I ran up and called her name. An immediate show of relief as she almost collapsed into my arms muttering, “need a seat need a seat”.

Found a bench that looked strong enough and helped her to her perch, out of breath and pointing to her shoes she asked me to pull them off.

It seems that Auntie when getting attired for her maiden voyage mistakenly  purchased a pair of dainty party shoes that now were instruments of torture confining her swollen feet, it took some doing to pry off the now misshapen foot wear.

A sigh of immense relief  hissed out of her.

She asked how her feet looked, for without the aid of a mirror she was not going to get a good look at them.

The imprint of the shoe along with the maker’s logo were still indented into her pulpy flesh, however it did look like the circulation would return, I looked up over her midriff and said fine, how’s the rest of ya?

“Oh laddie what an ordeal, you can’t imagine how small those chairs are on that flying machine, and the washroom oh my-my that was an embarrassment”.

With the wife rubbing her feet I went of in search of her bag, she said it would be easy to spot for it had a tartan sash tied around it.

She was right, and along with the sash were two pieces of sturdy rope desperately trying to contain the contents of the most enormous bag I had ever seen. Auntie was from the country and the idea of spending good money on a new suitcase when she had an perfectly good salt lick container was out of the question, could spend the money on shoes instead.

The thing had no handles so I had to drag it by one of its ropes (crowd watching) over to the now smiling Auntie.

“I have some sensible shoes in there laddie, let me wear them to the car”.

Rummaging through the assortment of clothes I pulled out a pair of gumboots and  slippers, held them up to her, she picked the gumboots.

With the wife sitting on the container I was able to stuff everything back in and tie down the ropes again.

Looking at the time we had fifteen minutes to get to Hank’s pickup zone.

How you feeling Auntie we have a shu…. a ride, I quickly corrected myself to the car but it’s a wee walk.

“Oh I will be alright once I get up”.

It took both of us to pull her off the bench and point her in the right direction.

With the wife holding on to Auntie, I dragged through the crowds by both hands the container that advertised Jock’s Feed and Tack AberdeenShire in bright red letters.

We saw Hank coming before we heard him, a dust cloud on the horizon. Well, at least Hank’s old man got the note and could read it.

Explained briefly to Auntie about the fun hay ride we were going to have, all the rage in Canada right now,  she seemed quite at home with the thought.

When Hank got turned around and pointed in the right direction we hauled Auntie up onto the wagon and gave her a bench of her own.

Gave Hank the all clear sign, he grunted and pointed to the piece of paper I had placed around his neck, the old man had scrawled precise time pick ups – five dollars.

I handed Hank one of my last fivers and sat down, face in hands.

With a mile left to go the old tractor let out a loud bang and then stopped altogether, black smoke was boiling out of its innards, Hank started picking his nose again and I started to panic.

Auntie was beginning to take on that swollen look and the midday sun was creating rivers of sweat on all of us.

Walking was not going to happen with Auntie, and the chances of anyone stopping with Hank exploring his nasal passages was unlikely.

I looked under the wagon and hanging on some wire was a two wheeled loading dolly used for carting bags of grain, I looked at it then Auntie, might work.

Got it beside the wagon, leaned Auntie into it and bounced forward.

For the most part it did its duty, had to uncramp and mop Auntie down a few times but within an half hour we were back to the car.

Hank’s dad on seeing us wondered over scratching his head.

“Its another two dollars for the use of that dolly ya know”.

I told him that his idiot son had blown up the tractor, that because of that we were all experiencing heat stroke and I was going to call the cops.

Auntie gave me a bit of a look and Hank’s dad said “now now, no need for all that, we will get you on your way let me give you a hand with your sister here”.

She’s my Auntie.

“Looks too young to be an Auntie”.

Jeannie was starting to like Canada.  

If I got everyone in the car I could drive back to the tractor and get the luggage, if Hank had not rifled through it yet.

I had to do something pretty quick for Auntie was not looking well at all. It didn’t look like she would fit in the front seat so the back would have to do, with the help of the wife and Hank’s dad we got Auntie up to the door.

I opened it and we pushed her in, her sweat helped with the sliding in part.

Before I had time to close the door, a unworldly scream! With the heat of the day the temperature inside of the car they figure was about 120 degrees, your “Black Magic” had transformed it self into a sticky poultice burning its way into the back and bottom of dear Auntie.

We dragged her back out and before we could assess the situation she ran off screaming. Looked like a large bat trying to get airborne.

Hank’s dad got out a hose and chased after her spraying her down, she collapsed about a hundred yards out face first, Hank’s dad kept spraying her outstretched frame.

With the cold water your Nauga set up again, this time with Auntie’s ample flesh attached to it, we tried to peel some it off but every time we did she would let out a wail.

By this time Hank had tired of his nasal passages and wandered back home, upon seeing Auntie he looked up in the air, then back at Auntie and said, “chute no open” and wandered off. 

 Every time we attempted to move her she screamed, so we had to call the ambulance. She spent three weeks in the burn unit with some poor bloke pulling off your Nauga with a pair of tweezers.

I have found out since then that your Naugahyde is not the shedding of an animal at all but a chemical concoction made to resemble leather,  a curse on you and your foul advertisement.

I have a request that I shall offer to you before I send this on to my lawyer. During the three weeks of hospitalization, unbeknown to me Hank’s dad went in every day and held Jeannie’s hand, it seems that after his wife ran off with her cousin Hank has been looking for another bride.

Auntie, finding out that Hank’s dad had some Scottish ancestor in him, agreed with the idea and there is going to be a wedding.

Finding out that I will be related in some way to Hank and his father has caused me and the wife some concern.

As I feel that you and your false advertisement have contributed to this unfortunate situation I suggest the following.

Your company supply the funds to purchase Auntie’s property in Old Meldrum for me and the wife, the amount is  twenty thousand pounds plus one way airfare for the wife and I to Scotland.

I have discussed this with Auntie and she agrees and if you comply she will not pursue the matter further.

Signed,  

Boris Johnson.